Empathy Is Sexy — A Way of Life

That empathic gaze …

What is empathy? “The ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation” — Cambridge Dictionary “Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character. Developing empathy is crucial for establishing relationships and behaving compassionately.” — Psychology Today In an article written by Jennifer Lea Reynolds in Psychology Today, we find the distinction between “having empathy” and “being an empath”. The former is defined as “being in tune to other people’s feelings and life circumstances”; the latter as “An empathetic person may be moved by a situation in a sort of heart-tugging, emotional manner that ultimately gives rise to kind, caring, and understanding words and actions.” While many find empathy to be a great quality, others might feel that it mankes them feel emotionally squeamish. Not everyone possesses empathy; nor is it true that everyone is an empath — empathetic person. For example, the idea that a narcissist lacks empathy is a widely shared belief, although it is still ambiguous to many studies if a narcissist really lacks empathy or they have empathy but unable to empathize. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association defines the narcissist in the light of lack of empathy. Wether they are unwilling to respond with empathy or they do not have it, we are in either cases talking about an example of a personality that is a far cry from being empathetic. Back to our main question, What makes empathy sexy? Agreat deal of research supports the the fact that when we receive empathy that makes us feel secure and safe with a person, we tend to share our deep feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment. It is the feeling of care and closeness arising from empathy that creates the feeling of desire, or rather, sexual desire radiating from heart to heart between men and women, in an intimate conversational context. Hence, the secure and anxious attachment styles seem to be turned on by the empathy of their partners. Since they do not tend to avoid intimacy, they seem to be receptive to the empathy of a caring listener. It must not be that difficult for people who have empathy and empaths in general to detect if a person has empathy or not, even from the way they write messages and emails or merely from their pictures on social media — where their eyes are visible. It is the feeling transmitted by the person that can be detected only by similar personalities. I would say empathy resides in the heart and in the eyes. In a study by the psychologists Gurit Birnbaum and Harry Reis, we discover that empathy can excite the secure and anxious personalities. Whereas, empathy was found to be a turn-off for avoidants. Avoidant listeners were considered to be less interested in having sex with their partners every time they showed them their care. Avoidants are those who tend to avoid intimacy and closeness. Empathy manifested in being a close and caring listener seems to make avoidants feel squeamish. Psychotherapist Allison Abrams perceives the insecure, or avoidant, attachment style as follows: “Those who are anxious/preoccupied may appear clingy, demanding, and fearful of abandonment. They will exhibit behaviors that actually push a partner away, thus confirming their beliefs. Those with an avoidant/dismissive style will be overly self-sufficient because they have learned they can only rely on themselves. They will often avoid intimacy and commitment. Those with an avoidant/fearful style of attachment crave closeness but at the same time fear rejection.” — Allison Abrams, Psychology Today As the psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin put it: “Wouldn’t those of us who enjoy intimacy prefer that our empathy-phobic dates take a hike?” My take is that emapthy is sexy; but, we need to tread carefully when using it. Empathy used with consciousness can enhance one’s relationships with their family members, partner, and customers. When you listen to your partner complaining about something that hurt them, instead of listening passively, you can consciously empathize so you can lessen their pain. Having empathy is a noble quality, as it shows the person we are interacting with uses their heart when bonding, not only their mind. Empathy can become a problem when your partner or friend becomes dependent on you for them to feel good on a continuous basis. Therefore, it is mandatory that we become aware of how to use our empathy and when to draw soft boundaries. Additionally, using empathy with an avoidant person can create a gap in bonding and intimacy. Have you ever got a client hooked effortlessly, not because of a deal you proposed, but as a result of the empathic connection you established between you and the customer? This could sound familiar to you if you are working in the sales field, mainly the direct sales that connects you directly to customers. Every opportunity that gives you room to show your empathy whether face-to-face or virtually is a chance for you to win a client, not only a deal. Empathy plays a big role in connecting to the souls of others. Some would find it really comfortable and pleasing to talk or to listen to you, which makes them attached to you. Can they be turned on by your empathy? Yes! ‘Cuz empathy is sexy! Looking into someone’s eyes as you speak or listen (depending on the culture), paying attention to every word they say, asking them questions related to their life, feeling what they feel in a healthy way, and opening your heart to them is a courageous act of leadership that only people with empathy can exhibit, because they do not feel that by giving someone care and attention they are losing something. Things become harder for an empath though. An empath might be empathizing blindly — feeling every joy and every pain the external stimuli may throw at them, which can exhaust them emotionally and lead them to shut down to protect themselves. Empaths should be proud of their empathy. They need to get rid of the belief that by connecting with their hearts something bad will happen. Becoming conscious of the treasure of empathy they have and how to use it correctly can make them look sexy and help them bond more easily with anyone. Communicating with passion can result in successful business deals and projects. Attracting customers and investors can depend to a large extent on your empathy and the sexy breath and passion you have for yourself, your ideas, and others. Using empathy requires letting go of fear. Connecting with the heart and being yourself might seem challenging, but it can be harnessed successfully with enough practice. It will be your way of life, and you will notice the positive effect it is going to produce.